My Heart

"Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." 22But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. 23And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven."  -Matthew 19:21-23

The last few days I have been struggling with my perception of riches (money, stuff, etc.) I am realizing in my own life that the problem isn't with the riches or the money themselves, but my selfish heart.  I desire things to be a certain way: organized, colorful, matching, finished.  When I can't have them (or acquire the things to have them) exactly how I envision, I let frustration and discontentment fill my heart and head.  I remember living in Dallas and feeling so accomplished and such joy from finally getting the main living spaces of our home "updated" or fitting to my aesthetic.  Finishing a space made it feel like "home".  When we moved to our new home in Austin, I immediately spotted all the things I wanted to change.  Our realtor even encouraged it by describing our home as "blank slate" to "make your own".  I felt that excitement to get to work on it, but as the months have passed and I have used up my budget and done most of the things I can do "DIY" style, I have turned my thoughts to the things I could buy to please my insatiable desire for character and style.  It is a never ending cycle of insanity!   My selfish heart will never be happy with what I have, because it's just stuff!  I feel like I have convinced myself that it's not the same since I'm making a nest for my future family, or because it's a "necessity", or I am decorating as a creative outlet.  I love how the Holy Spirit really reveals my inner most desires, because I sit her today looking at various homes and thinking "ew I would never live there even for a second because it doesn't have ________." Fill in the blank with basically anything you can imagine: tile color, wood color, the right landscaping, laminate flooring, one car garage, too few windows, the right kind of fence, etc. etc. and so on) My pickyness has no bounds!

I do not need these things!! It's okay to have a spare bedroom with no furniture! It's okay to have brass fixtures (although my husband would disagree).  It is okay to have one bush in the front flowerbed.  While having certain things or making things look a certain way do bring me happiness and delight, it is not delight in the Lord, but delight in the creation.  My former pastor, Matt Chandler, used to talk about this a lot.  How shallow are we that we choose to praise and worship the creation over the creator?  And how ungrateful am I that I don't even appreciate a solid roof over my head, air conditioning, the cushy carpet under my feet, a crisp clean room that is stable and allows me to see through clear windows without encountering the elements, my clothes that provide protection for my body and feet, and I could go on and on for days.  My heart is self seeking and easily led astray from what is important. My Jesus.  

I find hope however in my savior, because the verse I quoted above is not the end of the scenario.  I have been given the ability to see the error of my ways and apologize with my heart and actions to the loving Lord.  And for that I am forever grateful!!

When the disciples heard this, they were very astonished and said, "Then who can be saved?" 26And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."  Matthew 19:25-26